Calm parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life , book review

Calm Parents, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life emphasizes the same core concepts introduced in Dr. Markham’s first book, Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-free Parenting. These main ideas include regulating our emotions as parents, connecting deeply with each child, and coaching kids rather than controlling them.

Sound familiar?

I felt reassured when I read, “Research shows that if you have a positive relationship with each of your children, they’re much more likely to have a positive relationship with each other.”

But that’s not to say that we can just focus on our interactions with each individual child and ignore the sibling relationship. In fact, Dr. Markham explains that the reason why research shows that siblings fight less without parental intervention is that when parents let kids “work it out on their own,” the majority of quarrels end up with the weaker sibling surrendering to the more powerful one.

However, she also explains that the way in which many parents usually intervene (taking sides, punishing, and taking control of the situation) actually fosters more sibling rivalry.

So what’s the solution?

First, we need to stay calm. As I’ve said many times before, our emotional reactivity only makes situations worse by bringing about the very outcomes we hope to avoid. Dr. Markham explains that parents who remain calm and approach conflict more peacefully have kids who tend to be kinder to one another. Modeling calm problem-solving is the best way to teach it to our kids. to join with them and help them feel understood. She also encourages using fantasy and being playful, and discourages comparing kids to one another or using labels of any kind to describe them.

Dr. Markham argues against punishment as an effective way to discipline and says that “the way you discipline your child becomes her model for working out interpersonal problems.” She points out research that shows punitive parents have more aggressive kids.

What we need to do, then, is to teach our kids effective problem-solving skills while showing them compassion and understanding for their underlying feelings and needs.

Dr. Markham’s book has lots of examples, tips, and scripts to use with young children. Though the concepts and skills are transferrable to older kids and teens, it’s primarily geared toward parents of toddlers and preschoolers.

She also features an extremely detailed section on bringing new siblings into the family, including how and when to tell your child he’s going to have a sibling, ways to foster sibling bonding during pregnancy, and staying connected to the older sibling, and dealing with his feelings as the baby gets older.

Calm parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life would make a fantastic gift for someone who’s expecting a second or third child.

Make no mistake – helping siblings get along is hard work. Quite possibly the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But from personal experience, I know it can be one of the most rewarding relationships in a person’s life.